my mother told me to keep near trees when i go to the beach, so that i can climb up one when a tsunami comes. because that'll help.

i took a nap this afternoon and i was only half-asleep but i had the most vivid dream ever. believe it or not, it was actually of the ocean at sunset. it was like as perfect as you can get... the sky was this deep pink and orange and blue, there were something like dolphins in the distance, but the most striking part by far were the waves. they rolled up under the setting sun, like they were cradling it, and i remember someone in my dream telling me it was called the "tunnel." hard to describe but it was probably one of the most gorgeous things i've ever seen, and i dreamed it.

the weird thing was, the waves looked like they were going to come up and bowl you over every time, but they'd always fall a bit short. however, i got really scared that they would get bigger and eventually become a tsunami. and so i went into a building and started to take the elevator up as high as it would go. after that, the dream kind of changed course and didn't really make sense anymore...

i was kind of confused about where the whole tsunami fear came from in my dream, but then i remembered that today's newspaper said that there were unusually large swells on the south shore today. it was on the news today as well. so i guess that's where that came from.

but anyway. if i die in a tsunami, don't say i didn't warn you.

... and i still haven't been to the beach yet.

muggles.

i finished harry potter and the half-blood prince around 5:00 yesterday. wow. just wow. i cried like a baby at the end...

it was such an experience. getting together early to cook food for our harry potter feast, naming our brooms, riding around in the middle of the street (getting funny comments from the neighbors), rushing off to gabriel park for a quidditch game, crawling on hands and knees looking for the snitch for what seemed like forever (only to be thwarted by the slytherin seeker), racing to barnes & noble, drinking far too much butterbeer, standing in line to get in, going to powell's downtown (and running most of the way), hugging hagrid and cheering for dobby, chasing down the max, getting yelled at by the driver who told us that if we didn't calm down a supervisor was going to beat us, casting spells and talking in british accents, freaking out when we saw the boxed books, freaking out more when they started to sell them, chanting and cheering when cynda & co. were purchasing them, and dancing around when we finally had them in our hands.

then reading them... out loud in the car while driving to nancy's, at nancy's until 5:30 and the sun came up, in the car home, and at home... until 8:30, when i took a 3-hour nap, and another short break to clean the mess left over from our feasting the day before, and again non-stop reading until around 5:00 yesterday afternoon, when i finished the book bawling. yes, bawling.

i'm such a geek, i know... but i love it

today.

i strolled around downtown, played capture the flag at the zoo, pranced around a rich neighborhood, roasted hot dogs over a fire, and watched the little mermaid.

it was wonderful.

tuesday.

beach again today. wow, if we keep going to the beach this often, this summer is going to be an awesome one. it was cold, foggy, and overcast, but there was no way we were going to pass up an ocean swim. and it's a good thing we didn't, because the water seemed warm enough, there wasn't much of a strong current, and the waves were great.

we also ran into nathan schultz and his family, right before we stripped and charged into the ocean. so that was cool.

but i'll tell you what we didn't do. we didn't almost die multiple times, or speed up to 140 mph, or eat way too much candy, or listen to the same song repeatedly, and the driver most definitely did not dance while driving. because that would be silly.

ok, i lie.

in other news, i registered for my classes today. so here they are, my first semester freshman courses:

psci 1400 american political system (honors)
com 1000 career skills (honors)
wri 1150 literature and argument (honors)
csci 1011 intro to computer information systems (online)
biol 1000 introductory biology (online)

they're all general core requirements i wanted to get out of the way. and they only let you take 5 courses your first semester, which is a bummer, because i don't get an elective.

so yeah.

spirit.

hi.

i'm sitting at home, alone, not really doing anything. and i turned down a movie with cynda, doug, and ian. because for some reason, i really felt the need to clean my room. just something i had to do.

i also turned down going to the zoo with the family. and by family, i mean the only family that's ever home, my mom and sister. because i'd rather go to el parque. eventually.

although i've been informed that i'm being accosted tomorrow morning by nancy and cynda, i'm spending the day with them, they have something planned, and i don't have a choice in the matter. at least i was informed.

i read this book called the stranger by albert camus. he's some french guy i've never heard of, and the only reason i read it was because it was on the college board's "101 great books recommended for college-bound readers." sad? hey, i dunno... at least it's something productive. anyway, it's told from the point of view of this guy, he's not married, probably middle-aged... a regular guy except for the fact that he's lacking in emotions. that's what it seemed like anyway. he doesn't really care when his mother dies, or when a girl asks him to marry her, or when he sees a guy beat up his girlfriend... he's just completely indifferent. which ends up getting him into a lot of trouble in the end. he ends up shooting a guy simply because he was given a gun and the guy was there... well, ok, there was a little more to it than that, but he basically didn't even think that was a big deal. but the prosecutor takes advantage of his indifference, argues that he's an emotionless monster, and the guy's sentenced to get his head chopped off in the public square. and for the most part, he still doesn't care.

the part that stuck with me was the last chapter of the book, where a chaplain comes to see him in jail, and he argues with him about the existence of god. when the chaplain tells him he'll pray for him, he loses his temper and goes on a tirade about the indifference of the world and how none of it matters because in the end, we all meet the same fate. we all die.

it was quite depressing.

that's one of my biggest fears, not feeling anything. because when you start to feel numb and nothing matters anymore, it's so easy to get stuck. to get stuck in a place where you simply don't care about anything. because it gets so much easier to not feel than to deal with your emotions like you should. because the numbness becomes a source of comfort. because the indifference dismisses problems instead of addressing them. until it scares you so much that you don't ever want to sink that low again.

i don't know why i say "you" when i mean "i."

that fear of falling into that rut is why i do it... why i walk through puddles in flip flops until my feet are so numb i can't feel them. why i stop to look at the way the sun catches on the tops of the trees. why i blare my music when no one's home. why i save the worms from drowning. why i swing until i'm nauseous. why i spend warm nights staring up at the sky from the trampoline. why i dance when no one's watching (and sometimes even when they are). why i almost never turn down an opportunity to be with my friends. why i jump out of the car to pick flowers from the side of the road instead of just thinking "ooh, flowers," and staring out the window.

it's exhilarating. life is too beautiful to drive by it just observing from behind the glass. you gotta get out and feel it, and smell it, and breathe it, and live it. even if it brings bugs into the car, you have to pick those flowers. you have to deliver them to a friend, because it just might make their day.

life should hurt. it should make you laugh, it should make you cry, and above all, it should make you feel.

and that's also why i get overly sappy at times like these. :D

child.

i used to believe
that if i kept trying
i would learn
to fly

i used to believe
that if i just cared
enough
i could change the world

i used to believe
that if i wished
on a star
it was sure to come true

i used to believe
that every time i prayed
God would listen
and smile

i used to believe
that fireflies were tiny stars
and that if i caught enough
they would be
my nightlight

i used to believe
in love at first sight
in angels
in magic
in the good
that's in every heart
and in following my dreams
no matter what

i used to believe
in unconditional love
and perfection
in romance
and friends forever
in dreams that come true

i used to believe
that anything was possible

i used to believe

i think i still do

party.

somehow i got talked into having a party at my house today. it was supposed to be a "polish party" and i was supposed to make pancakes. which i started to make. but after receiving none of the promised help from cynda, i boycotted and left the batter in the fridge for everyone else to make themselves. which worked pretty well, i must admit.

it turned out to be really fun, actually. while everyone else watched top gun and ate pancakes, a bunch of us played poker, and i learned a new game. unfortunately, i could not beat ben, the poker master, but i came in second, so it was all good. we decided that if poker was christianity, i would be jesus. ben and pat were the other two in the trinity. that's not blasphemous, is it?

after i lost horribly to ben, we played an intense round of twister. pat could not defend his title as all-time twister champion, because doug, who plays dirty, knocked him over. it was down to me and ben k. in the end, but again, doug interfered and pushed ben, who fell on top of me, and that was that. they all decided ben won, since i hit the ground first, but i totally could have kicked his ass.

after doug knocked me over in the second round, we banished him from the game, and cory and ben duked it out for the win. it was another tie, because i think doug finally pushed them down. but not after they were entangled in some pretty interesting positions.

all in all, it was a pretty decent party. cynda put the pictures up here under "polish party." check them out.

oh, and thanks to jeff and cory for cleaning up. that was awfully nice of them. and who says guys can't cook?

oh yeah, and lesson learned: have a poker set and twister board on hands at all times. that's all you really need.