spirit.

hi.

i'm sitting at home, alone, not really doing anything. and i turned down a movie with cynda, doug, and ian. because for some reason, i really felt the need to clean my room. just something i had to do.

i also turned down going to the zoo with the family. and by family, i mean the only family that's ever home, my mom and sister. because i'd rather go to el parque. eventually.

although i've been informed that i'm being accosted tomorrow morning by nancy and cynda, i'm spending the day with them, they have something planned, and i don't have a choice in the matter. at least i was informed.

i read this book called the stranger by albert camus. he's some french guy i've never heard of, and the only reason i read it was because it was on the college board's "101 great books recommended for college-bound readers." sad? hey, i dunno... at least it's something productive. anyway, it's told from the point of view of this guy, he's not married, probably middle-aged... a regular guy except for the fact that he's lacking in emotions. that's what it seemed like anyway. he doesn't really care when his mother dies, or when a girl asks him to marry her, or when he sees a guy beat up his girlfriend... he's just completely indifferent. which ends up getting him into a lot of trouble in the end. he ends up shooting a guy simply because he was given a gun and the guy was there... well, ok, there was a little more to it than that, but he basically didn't even think that was a big deal. but the prosecutor takes advantage of his indifference, argues that he's an emotionless monster, and the guy's sentenced to get his head chopped off in the public square. and for the most part, he still doesn't care.

the part that stuck with me was the last chapter of the book, where a chaplain comes to see him in jail, and he argues with him about the existence of god. when the chaplain tells him he'll pray for him, he loses his temper and goes on a tirade about the indifference of the world and how none of it matters because in the end, we all meet the same fate. we all die.

it was quite depressing.

that's one of my biggest fears, not feeling anything. because when you start to feel numb and nothing matters anymore, it's so easy to get stuck. to get stuck in a place where you simply don't care about anything. because it gets so much easier to not feel than to deal with your emotions like you should. because the numbness becomes a source of comfort. because the indifference dismisses problems instead of addressing them. until it scares you so much that you don't ever want to sink that low again.

i don't know why i say "you" when i mean "i."

that fear of falling into that rut is why i do it... why i walk through puddles in flip flops until my feet are so numb i can't feel them. why i stop to look at the way the sun catches on the tops of the trees. why i blare my music when no one's home. why i save the worms from drowning. why i swing until i'm nauseous. why i spend warm nights staring up at the sky from the trampoline. why i dance when no one's watching (and sometimes even when they are). why i almost never turn down an opportunity to be with my friends. why i jump out of the car to pick flowers from the side of the road instead of just thinking "ooh, flowers," and staring out the window.

it's exhilarating. life is too beautiful to drive by it just observing from behind the glass. you gotta get out and feel it, and smell it, and breathe it, and live it. even if it brings bugs into the car, you have to pick those flowers. you have to deliver them to a friend, because it just might make their day.

life should hurt. it should make you laugh, it should make you cry, and above all, it should make you feel.

and that's also why i get overly sappy at times like these. :D

child.

i used to believe
that if i kept trying
i would learn
to fly

i used to believe
that if i just cared
enough
i could change the world

i used to believe
that if i wished
on a star
it was sure to come true

i used to believe
that every time i prayed
God would listen
and smile

i used to believe
that fireflies were tiny stars
and that if i caught enough
they would be
my nightlight

i used to believe
in love at first sight
in angels
in magic
in the good
that's in every heart
and in following my dreams
no matter what

i used to believe
in unconditional love
and perfection
in romance
and friends forever
in dreams that come true

i used to believe
that anything was possible

i used to believe

i think i still do