i won't grow up. i won't lose that sense of wonder, i won't bow down to expectations or obligations, i won't learn true responsibility or compromise or sacrifice... i just won't. there's a lot of honor in those things, if honor's your thing. but i guess i'm not so sophisticated or mature, and i don't think i ever will be. i can already tell it'll make me a bit of a failure in some people's eyes. eventually, you'll see. but i'm not aching for that kind of success. i just wanna live. as much as i possibly can, and be happy.

open your eyes... do you think annie dillard could have written pilgrim at tinker creek had she waited ten more years? have you read the little prince? childhood was the only glimmer of light in ivan ilych's entire life! i'm gonna keep holding on. i'm going to keep avoiding real jobs and saying ridiculous, nonsensical things and being a bit of a silly being and everyone's going to keep outgrowing me but i'll just make friends with the neighborhood kids or something. i'll corrupt everyone else's kids.

seems like kids these days have life and responsibility just kinda thrust upon them and they have to grow up fast and find a way to deal. but they don't seem to mind because everyone's itching to get there, to throw back a few, to start making the big bucks, to get in on the gadgets and have their own this or that... kids doing things kids shouldn't be doing, dealing with things they shouldn't have to worry about... kids having kids. does hitting 20 mean you're not a kid anymore? don't kid yourself. (pun!) i think there's a critical moment in a person's life when they decide they don't wanna be a kid anymore, and then they're not. but i'm not sure you can ever go back after you've hit that point. so why hurry?

i may not ever birth children of my own but i'll steal em instead and raise them laughing and dancing, teach them to love life and befriend spiders, let em have a puppy or two no matter how much havoc they'll cause, and we'll sing and scream and run like we were meant to. we'll jump in puddles and play in the mud and make enormous messes and eat dessert before dinner, we'll spend entire days playing hide and seek and freeze tag, we'll make up all kinds of ridiculous stories and sleep under lopsided forts in the living room and fingerpaint all over the walls and blow off everything for weeklong beach trips. and then they'll know all the important things like how to jig and how fast they can run and how to make things grow and they won't have any bad dreams only ones in which they're flying.

i have too many opinions. or they're too strong. i'm starting to feel as if there isn't a place for me as i am in the real world and something's gotta give. either i've got to change or i've got to change the world. and i'm not convinced it's me that needs the changing.