i just found out there's no such thing as the real world, just a lie you've got to rise above.

(they love to tell you, "stay inside the lines." but somethin's better on the other side.)

so i realized that i have absolutely no idea what i'm going to do with my life. well alright so i think i've kinda known this for a while now but i've all of a sudden become quite cognizant of this very fact. that's prolly the first time i've ever used the word cognizant. you know what the problem is? i know all the things that i don't wanna do do in life and there are probably too many of them but even so there are way too many choices left over. it's like when you're finally struck with the idea that you can do anything, anything, man it just knocks you over, lays you flat and tramples you, beats into you this understanding that your life is completely and entirely your own and there are more possibilities open to you than you can even begin to grasp. and that's just crazy, it's too much, it's like the greatest gift we could ever have been given. and what do you do with that, where do you go from there, when you've literally been handed the world and can do with it whatever you like? and on top of all this, we've only got one life to live and that, boys and girls, is the great human tragedy. it's that we spend our whole life trying to figure out how to live and we somehow fumble through it and at the very end that has to be enough, it has to because we don't get another shot. we don't get to see what happens if we'd just done one little thing differently and man i dunno why this always gets to me but why should anyone ever regret anything or feel like they don't have a choice or be sad for any longer than necessary to realize how good it feels to be happy again. it's such a shame to waste even a second of it and that there are so many things fighting to hold you back -- time and money and needs and wants and other people and the fact that we need to sleep and pee and worry, because think about how much time we waste sleeping and peeing and worrying. it's my curse that i think about these things way too much. but then maybe it's also my blessing.

so anyway, i've decided that i'm just gonna make it my life's goal to try and learn how to live, not just to exist but really live, to figure out what that means and to have way too many good times and see everything and do everything and be everything, not to knock anything ever again until after i've tried it like at least twice (only definitely with some exceptions, ie. killing myself, and perhaps some postponations, ie. getting knocked up), not to have too many heavy days anymore, and not to let any of those damn ridiculous things get in the way. i will never make money an issue ever again. and i'm not gonna ask permission anymore. dude because i was thinking about it the other night and there's not really a way to dig yourself into a hole you can't get out of anyway. i'm serious, think about it.

(i am invincible as long as i'm alive.)