all your hopes and dreams they rise and fall secretly, a cacophany.

there's nothing like the oregon coast. the weather was so perfect, it was insane. i broke my second camera while at the beach. the last time was over winter break, when we all decided to go to the beach after mass at jesuit and i skipped around with nancy gathering sand dollars and the boys cooked steak over a fire and pat didn't fly his kite because it was tangled and cynda kept trying to pants me and i can't believe no one told mike. and i got sand in my camera and it took forever to get a new one because best buy was being silly, and then they just ended up giving me a different one that they said was equal or better but really it wasn't, it was much worse. and now i got sand in this camera because i was sliding down sand dunes but really it doesn't matter because my camera was kind of crappy and playing on the sand dunes was a lot of fun. you can miss out on a lot by being too careful.

it's been said over and over again, but you don't really realize what you've got until you don't have it anymore. the suckiest part about working is how much time it takes up. i take my laptop everywhere around the house with me so that i've always got something to listen to, and the other day, i was trying to brush up on spanish while jogging and just now i wrote the majority of this post in the bathtub. a girl's gotta learn to multitask sometimes. i think that's why i've had trouble falling asleep lately, because i try to do too much at night after i get home when i would otherwise be getting to bed and it just gets me all wired up and then i can't get myself out of bed at 5 in the morning because what was i thinking signing up for class that early? every morning this week, i have overslept and missed my first class, which is yoga, so it might not be so bad except that i really like that class. today i slept through my first two classes and then got within sight of the bus stop to see it pulling away so i hung out in the parking lot of jack in the box which was nice because it was warm and sunny but the bus wasn't coming and i was going to be late and really, i was more than a little fed up with myself. anyway, so i sat there and read a good portion of the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe, which i liked very much, by the way, and eventually cynda ended up picking me up so it was all good.

i was looking at my pictures online from my pseudo spring break in hawaii which was actually so much better than my actual spring break in hawaii, and they are such cute pictures and that week was so much fun with nancy's crazy friends and ulrich. i told myself i would probably never go back to hawaii because i'd rather go someplace new instead, but i loved it there and i think i'll have to visit again sometime, only i know it would never even be close to the same so maybe i should just stick with the memories i've got. if you ever get the chance to go to hawaii, you should go because it's amazing, but probaby not if you're going to be all touristy about it, i guess. anyway, even though i loved it and i miss it and hawaii is great, i am glad that i'm home because i wouldn't want to be anywhere other than here right now.

i'm not sure whether i'm going to have any luck but i think i'm going to try and get some sleep because i'm sure i need it.

but i would just like you to know that walks on the beach are some of the nicest experiences a person can have, i think. especially when you're with a good friend that will talk and laugh and chase seagulls and jump on dunes and fall on your butt with you. and people can be so strong and beautiful, even if they don't know it, and for many moments you can forget the bad things staring you in the face because everything's like it's always been and you feel like it could stay that way forever and it's wonderful because you can't help but smile.

nightswimming, remembering that night.

remember when, in the dead of winter, we decided to go to the beach, and despite it being quite frigid and windy and foggy and really really really cold, we ran out into the ocean like almost fully clothed and it was amazing even though we were numb and blue and the rain stung like ice and we couldn't feel our toes and the sand hurt to run on as we shivered our way back to the restrooms to sit under the hot-air-blowers for the next half hour? yeah, that was chill. and then, a few days later, there was california, and the ocean's just as cold down there, except of course it's warmer outside and also they have these convenient coin-operated hot showers that are like heavenly... i enjoyed that immensely. and then it was back to hawaii where there's no such thing as cold except for in over-air-conditioned classrooms that are completely unnecessary and the refrigerated sections of grocery stores. you could lie out in the middle of the ocean in the middle of the night and look up at the stars and float there, bobbing up and down like a duck in the waves. i don't know where i'm going with this, but it was all pretty chill. (ha, i just realized i made a pun.)

but anyway, it's gotten really cold here, and i notice it most when i'm waiting at bus stops. my nose gets cold first and then my fingers. i am in search of a nice warm hat, but haven't found the perfect one yet. my room is like ten degrees warmer than the rest of the house because the heater is in my closet. it's like a sauna in here, but i don't mind too much.

did you know that when you smile, you actually make yourself happier, if even just the tiniest bit?

life does not suck. and you are not blah. love love love.

if life is really as short as they say, then why is the night so long?

some things are just so pretty.

here.

i missed the rain. it woke me up last night, it was coming down that hard. and despite only getting four hours of sleep, i didn't mind too much, because it sounded really pretty.

as the bus driver dropped everyone off at sylvania, he told us that we had hundreds of muscles in our body but our brain was the strongest one of them all, so "go out there and work it!"

my mother is awfully glad that i'm not still in hawaii.

and, i was wondering, when was it exactly that we outgrew playgrounds?

i'll mark off each day with a cross.

i remembered when we boycotted homecoming and ended up steaming up the car and making "bat-wings" out of the doors, then lying out on the trampoline in our sleeping bags in the middle of the night, the three of us. the next morning, the backyard was littered with gummy bears. it reminded me of the other time we ended up camping out on the trampoline in a tent... in the rain. which reminded me of way back when all of us girls would lie out there under warm fluffy comforters and talk about pretty much everything. and then there were crackers and cream cheese, and lord of the rings marathons, and knitting parties, and trick-or-treating, and fountain-hopping, and just sitting and eating for hours upon hours in the kitchen. that was four years ago already, when it was just five girls with not much else to do but chill together. you never forget moments like those... you know... life.

anyway, it just reminded me that i have some pretty amazing friends.

...this one's for you. and for the memories we'll look back on four years from now.

wuv.